85 Christmas Jokes to Make You Laugh This Season

It’s Christmas time. The time of year for drinking cocoa, wearing ugly Christmas sweaters, and watching 15 different Christmas movies with the same exact plot. But, Christmas isn’t the same without some Santa-size belly laughs. That’s where these Christmas jokes come in.

(Well, technically they came down the chimney, but who’s counting.)

You may as well call us Santa’s little helper because we’re gifting you jokes about snowmen, Christmas trees and everything else in between to prepare for you every kind of holiday situation.

We’ve even thrown in some flirty texts you can send near Christmas Day in between wrapping presents and eating cookies.

85 Funny Christmas Jokes

What’s the absolute best Christmas present? A broken drum — you can’t beat it!
What happens if you eat Christmas decorations? You get tinsel-it is.
What do grapes sing at Christmas? ‘Tis the season to be jelly.
What’s the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has no-el.
What did the gingerbread man put on his bed? A cookie sheet!
What does the Grinch do with a baseball bat? Hits a gnome and runs.
Why do mummies like Christmas so much? They’re into all the wrapping.
What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas? It’s finally Christmas, Eve!
Why don’t crabs celebrate Christmas? Because they’re shell-fish.
What’s every parent’s favorite Christmas Carol? Silent Night.
What do you call a cat on the beach on Christmas Day? Sandyclaws.
Where does mistletoe go to get famous? Holly-wood!
Why is it always cold on Christmas? Because it’s Decembrrrr!
What’s red, white, and blue at Christmas dinner? A sad candy cane!

Christmas Tree Jokes

What is a Christmas tree‘s favorite candy? Orna-mints!
Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past? Because the present’s beneath them.
What do you call cutting down a Christmas tree? Christmas chopping!
Why are Christmas trees so bad at knitting? They have too many needles.
What happens if you eat Christmas decorations? You get tinsel-it is.
Who is a Christmas tree’s favorite singer? Spruce Springsteen.
What did the beaver say to the Christmas Tree? Nice gnawing you!
What did one Christmas tree say to another? Lighten up!
What month does a Christmas tree hate the most? Sep-timber!

Snowman Jokes

What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Ice Crispies.
Why did Frosty ask for a divorce? His wife was a total flake.
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire? Frostbite.
What do you call a snowman that can walk? Snow-mobile.
What do snowmen wear on their heads? Ice caps!
What do snowmen say to one another in the morning? “Have an ice day!”

Santa Jokes

What do you call a broke Santa Claus? Saint-nickel-less.
Where does Santa go to vote? The North Poll!
What does Santa use to measure? Santameters!
What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing. It was on the house!
What do you get when you cross a duck with Santa? A Christmas quacker.
How do you know when Santa’s around? You can always sense his presents.
Where does Santa keep all his money? At the local snow bank.
What do you call Santa when he takes a break? Santa Pause.
Why is Santa kind of scared of chimneys? Because he’s so claus-trophobic.
Why does Santa always enter through the chimney? Because it soots him.
What’s Santa’s favorite candy? Jolly Ranchers.
How do the elves clean Santa’s sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer.
How do you know when Santa’s around? You can always sense his presents.
What was Santa’s favorite subject in school? Chemis-tree!
What goes “Oh, Oh, Oh”? Santa walking backwards!
Why did Santa Claus get a parking ticket on Christmas Eve? He left his sleigh in a snow parking zone.
Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? Because he wanted to see time fly!
How did Mrs. Claus tell Santa the weather? “It looks like rain, dear!”
What is Santa’s dog’s name? Santa Paws!
What’s Santa’s favorite snack food? Crisp Pringles.

Christmas Knock Knock Jokes

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Santa. Santa who? Santa Christmas card to you, did you get it?
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Elf. Elf who? Elf me wrap this present for Santa!
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Holly. Holly who? Holly-days are here again!
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Interrupting Santa. Inter– Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Anna. Anna who? Anna partridge in a pear tree.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Avery. Avery who? Avery merry Christmas to you!
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Snow. Snow who? Snow time to waste. It’s almost Christmas!
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Coal. Coal who? Coal me if you hear Santa coming.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Donut. Donut who? Donut open til Christmas!
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Justin. Justin who? Justin time for Christmas cookies!

Jokes about Elves

What’s every elf’s favorite type of music? Wrap!
What do Santa’s elves learn in school? The elf-abet.
How do you help someone who’s lost their Christmas spirit? Nurse them back to elf.
What’s every elf’s favorite type of music? Wrap.
What type of cars do elves drive? Toy-otas!

Reindeer Jokes

Where do Santa’s reindeer stop for coffee? Star-bucks!
What do you call an obnoxious reindeer? Rude-olph.
Why does Scrooge love reindeer so much? Because every single buck is dear to him!
What do you call a scary looking reindeer? A cariboo.
What do reindeers say before they tell you a joke? This one’s gonna sleigh you!
Where do reindeer go to buy new tails? The retail store!

Flirty Texts for Christmas

Can I take a picture of you so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?
Forget Santa, you’re on my nice list.
I must be a snowflake, because I’ve fallen for you.
Are you Christmas? Because I want to merry you.
You make me more excited than seeing gifts under a Christmas tree.
You’re the only reindeer for me.
I feel like a Christmas tree when you talk to me because I light up.
I didn’t think I was a snowman but you just made me melt.
Forget 12 days of Christmas, I want 12 days with you.
Let’s make this a not-so-silent night.
Let’s both be naughty and save Santa the trip tonight.
Let’s pretend to be presents and get laid under the tree.
I just got some mistletoe, how about we go back to my place and try it out?
I know what gift I want to give you tonight.

Author
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Ashley Hubbard

Ashley Hubbard is a freelance writer and creator. As a Darcy Magazine contributor, she covers all things related to nails, entertainment news, pop culture trends, and more. Additionally, she regularly writes interview-based celebrity stories for Coping with Cancer magazine and has written for other publications, including Let's Eat Cake, Roadtrippers, Greatist, and Healthline. She has also been featured by Impact Travel Alliance as a creative who is transforming travel, and by Matador Network as a vegan travel blogger you should be following on Instagram.

Ashley is a Nashville unicorn (born, raised, and based), queer, vegan, and dedicated to leaving a positive impact through her life, work, and her website, Wild Hearted.

When she's not writing, she's traveling, reading a book, trying not to kill her houseplants, worshiping her dog, or having an existential crisis. Follow her on Instagram, TikTok, Facebook and Twitter, and LinkedIn

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