75 Funny Dirty Jokes Guaranteed to Make You Laugh

We’ll always love a corny dad joke. But catch us in the right mood and these funny dirty jokes are our awkward idea of flirting. Yes, our head is in the gutter. And it’s surprisingly cozy.

Whether you’re looking for some new sexting material (we’re wearing our Snuggie okay?), or you’re looking for a reason to finally get kicked out of the kids table at family gatherings, these dirty jokes, one-liners, and pick-up lines are hilarious, spicy, and only slightly offensive.

Funny Dirty Jokes

What’s the best thing about gardening? Getting down and dirty with your hoes.
What has 148 teeth and holds back a monster? My zipper.
What comes after 69? Mouthwash.
Why don’t witches wear underwear? Because they need a better grip.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A Lickalotopus.
What’s long and hard and full of seamen? A submarine.
What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say to clients as they leave? Thanks for coming!
What’s the difference between a g spot and a golf ball? Men will search for a golf ball.
What’s the difference between you and an egg? An egg gets laid.

What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cube have in common? The longer you play with it, the harder it gets.
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? If we don’t get the proper support, people will think we’re nuts.
Did you hear about the guy who dipped his balls in glitter? Pretty nuts!
What goes in hard and dry but comes out soft and wet? Gum.
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.
What kind of bees produce milk? Boobees.
What did the penis say to the condom? Cover me; I’m going in.
Welcome to the Sexual Innuendo Club. Thank you all for coming.
How is sex like air? It’s not a big deal unless you’re not getting any.
What’s a lesbian’s love language? Speaking in tongue.

How do you make a pool table laugh? Tickle its balls.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
What’s the speed limit for sex? 68; at 69, you have to turn around.
Why do vegetarians give good head? Because they’re used to eating nuts.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg? Because they won’t stop to ask for directions.
How is sex like a game of bridge? If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner.
What did the clitoris say to the vulva? It’s all good in the hood!
What did the guy say when he got caught masturbating to an optical illusion? It’s not what it looks like!
What does my wife have in common with my pinky toe? I bang both on the table.
What do a clitoris and a pitcher’s mound have in common? Both are little bumps where everything important happens.
What does a squirrel have in common with a scrotum? Both store nuts.

Why is Batman’s voice so raspy? He ate out Poison Ivy.
What do you get when you jingle Santa’s balls? A white Christmas!
Did you hear about the guy who died because he was erect for too long? They couldn’t close his casket.
What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaah? About three inches.
Why do male squirrels swim on their back? To keep their nuts dry.
Who is the cook in a lesbian relationship? Neither, they eat out.
What is six inches long, two inches wide, and makes everyone go crazy? A $100 bill.
What do clowns get turned on by? Balloon blow-up dolls.
How do people in a long distance relationship get laid? They have a sex drive.

When should condoms be used? Every conceivable occasion.
What do Viagra and Disney World have in common? They both make you stand around for an hour waiting for a two-minute ride.
What did Cinderella say to her prince? Want to see if it fits?
What’s the difference between a Greyhound terminal and a lobster with boobs? One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
What do weightlifting and masturbating have in common? You should always clean before you jerk.
What do you call a pickled penis? A dill-do.
What does a coven of witches who are into BDSM say? Choke us, Poke us.
Why is a one-night stand with a man like a snowstorm? You never know how many inches you’ll get or how long it will last.
What is Moby Dick’s dad’s name? Papa Boner.

Funny Dirty Pick-Up Lines

Are you a termite? Cause you’re about to have a mouth full of wood.
I wish you were soap so I could feel you all over me.
I may not go down in history, but I’ll go down on you.
Do you want to come in my time machine? We stop somewhere between ‘68 and ‘70.
If it’s true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
Are you an archaeologist? Because I’ve got a bone for you to examine.
I’m no weatherman, but you can expect more than a few inches tonight.
Do you like sales? Because clothing is 100% off at my place.
Do you do carpeting? Because I’m looking for a deep shag.
Are you a trampoline? Because I want to bounce on you.

Funny Dirty One-Liners

Having sex in an elevator is wrong, on so many levels.
My girlfriend asked me if I smoke after sex…I said I haven’t looked.
I just found an origami porn channel, but it’s paper view only.
Sex is like a burrito – don’t unwrap or that baby’s in your lap.
Masturbation jokes always come in handy.
I discovered I have a logic fetish. I can’t stop cumming to conclusions.
My friend told me he had an Oedipus Complex. I said, Motherfucker, what’s wrong with you?
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo jokes died suddenly yesterday. His wife is taking it really hard.
Life is like a penis. It’s often hard for no reason.
We’ve just gotten into tantric sex… It’s been a long time coming.
I just had sex on an elevator. It was great on so many levels.
“Give it to me! Give it to me!” she screamed. “I’m so wet, give it to me now!” She could yell all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.
They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles. Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?

Funny Dirty Knock-Knock Jokes

Knock knock? Who’s there? Anita! Anita who? Anita Dick inside me!
Knock knock? Who’s there? Hop on? Hop on who? Hop on this dick!
Knock knock! Who’s there? Needle. Needle who? Needle little love right now.
Knock knock! Who’s there? A yam. A yam who? A yam so wet for you right now.
Knock knock! Who’s there? Tara. Tara who? Tara McClosoff.
Knock knock! Who’s there? Annie. Annie who? Annie chance you’re available for a booty call?

Author
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Ashley Hubbard

Ashley Hubbard is a freelance writer and creator. As a Darcy Magazine contributor, she covers all things related to nails, entertainment news, pop culture trends, and more. Additionally, she regularly writes interview-based celebrity stories for Coping with Cancer magazine and has written for other publications, including Let's Eat Cake, Roadtrippers, Greatist, and Healthline. She has also been featured by Impact Travel Alliance as a creative who is transforming travel, and by Matador Network as a vegan travel blogger you should be following on Instagram.

Ashley is a Nashville unicorn (born, raised, and based), queer, vegan, and dedicated to leaving a positive impact through her life, work, and her website, Wild Hearted.

When she's not writing, she's traveling, reading a book, trying not to kill her houseplants, worshiping her dog, or having an existential crisis. Follow her on Instagram, TikTok, Facebook and Twitter, and LinkedIn

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