Funny women are all around us and this week, we’re highlighting Abbi Crutchfield. The New York City-based comedian goes by @curlycomedy on Twitter.
She also can hum and whistle at the same time, which she says sounds something like a tornado siren. If that’s not #goals, we don’t know what is.
30 of Abbi Crutchfield’s Funniest Tweets
1. What am I doing wrong here?
I can't get rid of my under-eye bags no matter how late I stay up working on a solution.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) December 28, 2015
2. Terrifying.
I had a nightmare my nugget wouldn't fit into the cup of dipping sauce.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) April 3, 2012
3. Relatable.
Not even Thomas Jefferson could decide on a selfie. pic.twitter.com/FAyBVJJ1qe
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) April 30, 2017
4. Can’t. Stop. Sweating.
Nevertheless, she perspired.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) April 20, 2019
5. Can’t trust the broccoli lobby.
It’s addictive, and it kills you slowly. Sugar is a drug. Yes I may be in the pocket of Big Broccoli.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) February 25, 2019
6. Please stop fooling me already.
Okay but what if you fool me nine times? It goes back on you, right?
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) June 27, 2019
7. Yeah, stop right there.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) January 26, 2019
8. Good question.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) December 2, 2017
9. Abbi Crutchfield’s barista isn’t a Drake fan, apparently.
Me: Last name Ever, First name Greatest
Starbucks barista: I’m not writing that.— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) November 11, 2018
10. Brilliant plan.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) February 20, 2015
11. Strategy is important.
White people don't dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the "Woo!" at the end of a song.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) May 2, 2014
12. I won’t forget.
When I say, "No problem," I mean, "YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER."
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) January 7, 2012
13. Very, very old.
I ran into my old English teacher. He said, "Goode to see ye!"
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) July 21, 2011
14. That’s just science.
It's a 'pride' of lions, a 'pack' of wolves and an 'embarrassment' of reality TV stars.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) July 5, 2012
15. Technically true.
"There are no words." – Early review of my book I haven't started.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) February 24, 2012
16. OH YEAH.
Dated the Kool-Aid man once. He trashed a lot of hotel rooms, but to his credit he never disagreed with me.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) June 24, 2012
17. Who do you think I am?
Passed a sign that says, "All you can eat, $30/person" but I don't think I can eat $30 worth of people.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) February 17, 2015
18. The truth is revealed.
The Katy Perry song that goes, "You're hot and you're cold," was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) July 19, 2013
19. It’s a little darker than Candyland.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) January 28, 2013
20. All my jokes depend on typos.
I turned auto correct off and now nothing funny ever happens to me.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) July 9, 2012
21. The 21st century is something else.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) March 27, 2012
22. winky face
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don't know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) January 19, 2012
23. Ew.
It's so hot outside the guy across the street's balls are sticking to MY leg.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) June 21, 2012
24. Can we finally admit oysters are gross?
The world is your oyster! Stinky. Expensive. Scary-looking.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) March 27, 2012
25. I feel personally attacked.
Bed Bath & Beyond is like a liberal arts college. You don't know what you want when you enter or leave but you spent way too much.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) May 22, 2012
26. Checkmate.
If it's so normal and well-intended, why don't men tell other men to smile?
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) October 31, 2014
27. That’s when shit gets real.
👨🏽Let's take our relationship to the next level.
👩🏽This is where I hope you mean something romantic but
👨🏽Let's get a Costco membership!!
👩🏽— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) September 13, 2015
28. Nobody actually enjoys celery, right?
It's called "celery" because "cold, wet plant bones" takes too long.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) December 9, 2013
29. TRIPPY.
I was nervous about trying mushrooms at a party. I mean they were canned for crying out loud.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) January 7, 2017
30. Can I just stay in here forever?
No one takes baths because it’s impossible to know when they’re over.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) March 5, 2019
Don’t forget to follow Abbi Crutchfield and us on Twitter! Follow @LetsEatCakeBlog
I can be found on Twitter at @macmccanntx or at my site, Mac McCann.
I’ve written hundreds of articles on a wide variety of topics. My work has been published in more than a dozen publications, including The Dallas Morning News, The Chicago Tribune, Newsday, The Houston Chronicle, The Seattle Times, Complex, The Charlotte Observer, Sun-Sentinel, The Austin American-Statesman, Reason, Austin Chronicle, Hawaii Tribune-Herald, Dallas Observer, OC Weekly, The La Crosse Tribune, The Intelligencer, The South Bend Tribune, Phoenix New Times, and more.
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