There’s no doubt about it: moms keep the world running. From soccer practice coordination to homework help to giving advice arguably better than Oprah, they really are superheros without a cape. Or sometimes, with a cape! And according to these funny mom quotes, they can be pretty hilarious, too.
We’ve got to get it from somewhere, right?
These quotes are great for Mother’s Day or any day, whether you’re the celebrating woman who raised you, a friend who’s a new mom, or if you’re a mom yourself. Because there’s no better gift than laughter. Well…other than a night off. But who says you can’t have both? You make the rules!
37 Funny Mom Quotes
1. “When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.” – Erma Bombeck
2. “Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.” – Phyllis Diller
3. “Mothers are like superheroes, but with less time to change into a cape.” – Unknown
4. “Silence is golden. Unless you have kids, then silence is suspicious.” – Unknown
5. “Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, hold our breath and hope we’ve set aside enough money for our kid’s therapy.” — Michelle Pfeiffer
6. “If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, ‘keep away from children’.” – Susan Savannah
7. “It’s the best acting of my life right here, the well-rested woman. It’s my finest role.” – Kerry Washington
8. “A toy Tamagotchi is more communicative than a human baby, OK? Because the toy will at least tell you when it poos.” – Ali Wong
9. “The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable.” – Lane Olinghouse
10. “The majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.” – Carrie Underwood
11. “Honey, I’m your mother. It’s my job to strong-arm people into seeing how amazing you are.” – Beverly Goldberg from “The Goldbergs”
12. “Sleep at this point is just a concept, something I’m looking forward to investigating in the future.” – Amy Poehler
13. “If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?” – Milton Berle
14. “My two-year-old referred to her coat pockets as “snack holes,” and this is what I shall forever call them.” – Rebecca Caprara
15. “When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.” – Nora Ephron
16. “Ah, babies. They’re more than just adorable little creatures on whom you can blame your farts.” – Tina Fey
17. “No one told me I would be coming home in diapers, too.” – Chrissy Teigen
18. “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” – Phyllis Diller
19. “Why don’t kids understand that their nap is not for them but for us?” – Alyson Hannigan
20. “Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.” – Nia Vardalos
21. “Children are like crazy, drunken small people in your house.” – Julie Bowen
22. “I hate when I’m waiting for mom to cook dinner, then I remember I’m the and I have to cook dinner.” – Unknown
23. “When my kids act up in public, I like to yell ‘Wait till I tell your mom!’ and pretend they’re not mine.” – Unknown
24. “Mama does everything for the baby, who responds by saying, ‘Da-da’ first.” – Mignon McLaughlin
25. “I always say if you aren’t yelling at your kids, you’re not spending enough time with them.” – Reese Witherspoon
26. “Over the years I have learned that motherhood is much like an austere religious order, the joining of which obligates one to relinquish all claims to personal possessions.” – Nancy Stahl
27. “Motherhood takes patience, humor and a lot of wet towelettes.” – Unknown
28. “Sometimes I open my mouth and my mother comes out.” – Unknown
29. “Motherhood: Feeding them as a baby and then through most of their twenties.” – Unknown
30. “My mother always used to say: ‘The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.” — Rose Nylund from “Golden Girls”
31. “If at first you don’t succeed, try doing it the way your mom told you to do it from the start.” – Unknown
32. “Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.” – Julia Roberts
33. “There are no rules in this house. I’m not like a regular mom. I’m a cool mom.” – Mrs. George from “Mean Girls”
34. “When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it’s a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.” — Erma Bombeck
35. “The fastest land animal is a toddler with something in his mouth.” – Unknown
36. “Setting a good example for your children takes all the fun out of middle age.” — William Feather
37. “You never realize how weird you are until you have a kid that acts just like you.” – Unknown
Hannah Rex is Darcy’s Executive Editor. She has a background in journalism, content marketing, and SEO writing. She currently covers entertainment news, food news and trends, pop culture trends, and more. In addition to Darcy, she has written for companies including Beachbody, FitPlan, Soothe, Let's Eat Cake, and Her Campus. She also manages Darcy’s Instagram and weekly newsletters.
When not sitting behind a computer writing and editing, she’s an avid runner and yogi with an RYT 200 certification. Follow her on Instagram @hannah_rex and LinkedIn.
When not sitting behind a computer writing and editing, she’s an avid runner and yogi with an RYT 200 certification. Follow her on Instagram @hannah_rex and LinkedIn.
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