“Is it really a Pinterest recipe if you didn’t learn about the author’s Italian lineage and how she met her 2nd husband?”
This week, we’re shining a spotlight on Megan, a legal assistant, mom, and aspiring cult leader. Under her handle Sassparilla (or @Megatronic13), the Utahn consistently publishes some of the funniest tweets — ranging from flirting with peacocks and parenting (not with peacocks) to house hunting and just about everything else under the sun.
27 Funny Tweets from Sassparilla
1. Classic sharks.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that's impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
— Sassparilla (@Megatronic13) March 18, 2019
2. How do they always manage to make such a mess?!
Me: it’s so nice my kid is playing so quietly
My child, nonchalantly walking out of the kitchen: pic.twitter.com/O2dZkS3Odm
— Sassparilla (@Megatronic13) June 19, 2019
3. I miss the freedom of youth.
I love how my kid can sleep like a twisted up pretzel and be just fine, but when I sleep on the wrong side I have to pray I won’t run over a pedestrian on the way to work because I can’t turn my neck to the right.
— Sassparilla (@Megatronic13) June 18, 2019
4. Words to live by.
My 4-yr old just fell off her bike and said, “I fell and it hurt my vagina, but I got right back up.” New motto to live by, ladies.
— Sassparilla (@Megatronic13) June 2, 2019
5. Asking the important questions.
Therapist: do you know why you have two ears, but only one mouth?
Me: why?
Therapist: so you can listen more than you talk.
Me: oooh, okay. Now explain why I have three nipples
Therapist: what the-
— Sassparilla (@Megatronic13) May 21, 2019
6. We’re Big Red fans ourselves.
One time a lady at my church told my class that once we had sex, we were essentially a chewed up piece of gum and that no one worthwhile would want us. I wanted so badly to say that Buddy the Elf loves chewed up gum, but I didn’t and that’s probably the biggest regret of my life.
— Sassparilla (@Megatronic13) May 21, 2019
7. Ah, the elusive starter home.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
— Sassparilla (@Megatronic13) November 25, 2018
8. I had a great plan at first, I swear.
Coworker: I can’t believe the boss treated you like that, you should say something
Me: You’re right! Enough is enough!
[storms into boss’s office]
Boss: h-
Me: *apologizes for 15 mins straight*
— Sassparilla (@Megatronic13) February 7, 2019
9. And, that, kids, is why we don’t sparkle in the sunshine.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
— Sassparilla (@Megatronic13) October 2, 2018
10. Ah, memories.
Me: my therapist said that nostalgia is causing me to be delusional
Beanie Baby: nah, that’s crazy talk
Poster of *NSYNC: girl, you’re perfect
Furby: H̸̛̥̮̝͗̕a̷̢͓̘̽i̴͍̙͆͛̓l̸̥̺͝ ̶̮̩͋̔S̵̳͛́̇ä̵̪͇́ͅt̷̬́̂a̵͔̣̬̅ñ̸̟͈͇̊
Me:
Furby: me love you
Me: Awe, thanks guys 🙂
— Sassparilla (@Megatronic13) March 3, 2019
11. Oh, come on, who doesn’t like a good Jeez-it?
All I’m saying is that way more people would go to church if the sacrament was pizza and soda.
— Sassparilla (@Megatronic13) April 23, 2019
12. Live action Lion King sounds pretty intense.
????It’s the circle of life ????
Rafiki: *presents baby Simba*
????and it moves us all ????
Safari Animals: *cheer and bow*
????through despair and hope ????
Antelope: MUFASA ATE MY MOM YESTERDAY
????through faith and love????
Antelope: IT’S COOL, GUYS. JUST KEEP ON SINGING.
— Sassparilla (@Megatronic13) May 23, 2019
13. Work deadlines, Mercury being in retrograde, long commutes… shall we go on?
I’ve got 99 problems, and being direct could solve most of them but the idea of confrontation is completely terrifying and makes me want to crawl in a hole and die. Anyways thanks for inviting me to this rap battle, I think it’s going really well.
— Sassparilla (@Megatronic13) November 15, 2018
14. Next up, TPS reports.
My work makes me have different passwords for each 7 programs I use, and they all expire at different times. So I guess what I’m trying to say is, come at me, Satan. I’m already in hell.
— Sassparilla (@Megatronic13) June 18, 2019
15. Sound implausible until you actually try and feed one.
Me: I still think my name is better
Guy who named Ostriches: we’re not naming them *clears throat* “Scary Demon Birds on Stilts”
— Sassparilla (@Megatronic13) January 21, 2019
16. Problem solved.
Car: *concerning mechanical noises*
Me: *turns up music to drown out the noises* ᵗʰᶦˢ ᶦˢ ᶠᶦⁿᵉ
— Sassparilla (@Megatronic13) August 7, 2018
17. Ouch.
Moderator: your word is, loser
Me (blinded by spotlight): L-O-
Moderator: as in, you’re a total loser
Me: *squinting* mom??
— Sassparilla (@Megatronic13) August 13, 2018
18. The level at which we’re listening is directly related to how hot you are.
Guy at party: and that’s how Bitcoin works
Me: *nudging my service parrot*
Parrot: squawk that’s so interesting that’s so interesting
— Sassparilla (@Megatronic13) October 28, 2018
19. We were born for this.
Quit complaining about jury duty. You’re literally getting excused from work to go judge a stranger. It’s practically the American dream.
— Sassparilla (@Megatronic13) September 17, 2018
20. Ok hear us out on this one…
Is it really a Pinterest recipe if you didn’t learn about the author’s Italian lineage and how she met her 2nd husband?
— Sassparilla (@Megatronic13) March 20, 2019
21. Friend request denied.
A shark cage, but you use it to keep people you knew in high school from approaching you in public.
— Sassparilla (@Megatronic13) June 6, 2019
22. The Hoover Dam sure is pretty this time of year.
If you’re going on a vacation with a toddler, just know that half of your time will be spent keeping them from jumping into the nearest water source.
— Sassparilla (@Megatronic13) September 4, 2018
23. Wow! What a liar!
The cashier at the grocery store and I said “have a good one” to each other at the same time so I was all, “JINX!” and she just stared me and now I’m starting to think that she doesn’t really want me to “have a good one”.
— Sassparilla (@Megatronic13) March 21, 2019
24. Those feathers tho
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
— Sassparilla (@Megatronic13) August 21, 2018
25. Water is life.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
— Sassparilla (@Megatronic13) June 24, 2019
26. This explains everything.
Ladies, if he:
– is always late
– never shaves
– eats 10% of his weight a day in plant matter
– leaves you every winter for warmer watersHe’s not your man, he’s a manatee.
— Sassparilla (@Megatronic13) November 25, 2018
27. Mmm… carrots!
One of the hardest parts of parenting is pretending you like vegetables
— Sassparilla (@Megatronic13) September 9, 2018
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I can be found on Twitter at @macmccanntx or at my site, Mac McCann.
I’ve written hundreds of articles on a wide variety of topics. My work has been published in more than a dozen publications, including The Dallas Morning News, The Chicago Tribune, Newsday, The Houston Chronicle, The Seattle Times, Complex, The Charlotte Observer, Sun-Sentinel, The Austin American-Statesman, Reason, Austin Chronicle, Hawaii Tribune-Herald, Dallas Observer, OC Weekly, The La Crosse Tribune, The Intelligencer, The South Bend Tribune, Phoenix New Times, and more.
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