We’re thinking you might need a laugh this week. Did we guess right? We love when we can actually read minds. (Also, really? Pizza again?)
So, here’s 25 funny tweets written by women including @WhaJoTalkinBout, Dana Donnelly, and Abbi Crutchfield. Give ’em a read, then, when you’re done laughing, please go register to vote.
25 Funny Tweets by Women
1. Not today, Satan.
I accidentally bought inspirational paper towels and I am FURIOUS pic.twitter.com/DqooYfjhUg
— Jill Twiss (@jilltwiss) September 15, 2020
2. Oh no, not you too avocado.
If you think pineapple is gross on pizza because "fruit doesn't belong on pizza" then I have bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from.
— Roxi Horror ???????? (@roxiqt) September 15, 2020
3. Didn’t work on the spinach either.
me: popcorn button doesn’t work on the microwave
him: what happened
me: it’s still broccoli
— jo (@whatsJo) September 16, 2020
4. Somehow chartreuse.
Sorry about my gender reveal oil spill, but I wanted it to be memorable. I am currently hiding from the authorities, but did anyone happen to notice if the wildlife turned more pink or more blue?
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) September 8, 2020
5. Sometimes it pays to have your guard up.
This is so fucking embarrassing for that alligator https://t.co/ezhKSqep1X
— G. L. DiVittorio (@ginadivittorio) September 20, 2020
6. Is the right answer no? Also, how do you feel about a frog paperweight?
"Olga did you expense a … scorpion desk?" https://t.co/SyCgXi8FJA
— Olga Khazan (@olgakhazan) September 11, 2020
7. Same goes if you’re a magician.
i think that if you can juggle you should be upfront with your friends and loved ones about that fact
— taylor garron (@taylorgarron) September 17, 2020
8.What, you don’t know the real rules?
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
— new years Radsolutions (@FeelingEuphoric) January 21, 2018
9. How do you feel about essential oils?
this girl I haven't spoken to in five years just messaged me on facebook. is she trying to recruit me for a pyramid scheme or is she trying to recruit me for a pyramid scheme
— sarah thee tonin ???? (@sarahndipity18) September 14, 2020
10. Hoping spooky season ends soon.
asking the govt if i can get my handmaid uniform early so i can wear it for halloween
— Dana Donnelly (@danadonly) September 19, 2020
11. TBH Cookie Monster wasn’t the cleverest either.
JIM HENSON: [after a long night of naming characters] fuck I dunno … big bird, I guess?
— Jillian Karger (@JillianKarger) April 29, 2019
12. 47 and counting. What’s your score?
Sorry can’t close any of the tabs on my phone, I don’t want to read this Wikipedia article on the history of Dance Dance Revolution now but I might want to later
— Emily Murnane (@emily_murnane) September 20, 2020
13. We’ve seen this act before.
me to the ants that keep coming out of my showerhead pic.twitter.com/Wz43Drspw3
— dylan gelula (@DylanGelula) September 20, 2020
14. It’s fine. Everything is fine.
making jokes about 2020 like pic.twitter.com/TwkaZpgjy5
— Preeti Chhibber says Let’s Win in GA! (@runwithskizzers) September 20, 2020
15. It sounds like you might need to have that PSL condition checked out.
cottagecore isn't just an aesthetic if you cut me i will bleed pumpkin spice
— emma lord (@dilemmalord) September 16, 2020
16. No glove, no love, my dude.
WOMEN: When I had my IUD inserted, I blacked out from the pain but it wasn't a big deal
MEN: Condoms are uncomfy 🙁 If I have to wear one, this is going to be the worst day of my life 🙁
— Roxi Horror ???????? (@roxiqt) September 17, 2020
18. :scrolls through Instagram once more time:
I can either work 72 hours a week or zero no in between
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) September 20, 2020
19. A girl can dream.
last year: i want to travel the world
now: i would like to sit on a different couch— Alyssa Limperis (@alyssalimp) September 17, 2020
19. 2020 be like that all the time.
Easy fall dinner ideas:
• A handful of chocolate chips
• Gin
• Wheat Thins and a good cry— Duchess Goldblatt (@duchessgoldblat) September 14, 2020
20. Who wants a sponge cake?
is it cottagecore or is it amelia bedelia cosplay?
— safy (@SafyHallanFarah) September 11, 2020
21. Baaaaaaaaaaaa!
when goats die they become ghoasts
— ❤️ Kate (@Kateness8) September 21, 2020
22. Wait. Did the girls do this to us?
everyone trapped inside meanwhile boobs are experiencing more freedom than ever
— ✨V✨ (@coolauntV) April 4, 2020
23. At this point we’ll try anything.
Surely the new notebook and pens I just purchased will solve all of my problems.
— Rachel Vorona Cote (@RVoronaCote) September 21, 2020
24. What if we use them all at once?
Onion can you relax bc I can’t and this is rude https://t.co/zorqLg8qqG
— Preeti Chhibber says Let’s Win in GA! (@runwithskizzers) September 21, 2020
25. Sorry?
girls be like “happy birthday to the craziest person i know” and it’s just sarah
— Rachel (@femaleredhead) September 16, 2020
I've written or worked for a wide range of lifestyle sites and magazines, including Billboard, Nylon, Parade, Men's Journal, Us Weekly, Stuff, Blender, Beachbody, Alternative Press, Electronic Gaming Monthly, and more. See more on my LinkedIn.
On the baking side of things, I've run my own baking company and competed on Cupcake Wars, so hit me up with your baking questions! I respond fastest on Instagram where you can find me @darcymagazine
Want to know more? Here's my full bio.
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