We’re thinking you might need a laugh this week. Did we guess right? We love when we can actually read minds. (Also, really? Pizza again?)
25 Funny Tweets by Women
1. Not today, Satan.
I accidentally bought inspirational paper towels and I am FURIOUS pic.twitter.com/DqooYfjhUg
— Jill Twiss (@jilltwiss) September 15, 2020
2. Oh no, not you too avocado.
If you think pineapple is gross on pizza because "fruit doesn't belong on pizza" then I have bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from.
— Roxi Horror ???????? (@roxiqt) September 15, 2020
3. Didn’t work on the spinach either.
me: popcorn button doesn’t work on the microwave
him: what happened
me: it’s still broccoli
— jo (@whatsJo) September 16, 2020
4. Somehow chartreuse.
Sorry about my gender reveal oil spill, but I wanted it to be memorable. I am currently hiding from the authorities, but did anyone happen to notice if the wildlife turned more pink or more blue?
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) September 8, 2020
5. Sometimes it pays to have your guard up.
This is so fucking embarrassing for that alligator https://t.co/ezhKSqep1X
— G. L. DiVittorio (@ginadivittorio) September 20, 2020
6. Is the right answer no? Also, how do you feel about a frog paperweight?
"Olga did you expense a … scorpion desk?" https://t.co/SyCgXi8FJA
— Olga Khazan (@olgakhazan) September 11, 2020
7. Same goes if you’re a magician.
i think that if you can juggle you should be upfront with your friends and loved ones about that fact
— taylor garron (@taylorgarron) September 17, 2020
8.What, you don’t know the real rules?
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
— new years Radsolutions (@FeelingEuphoric) January 21, 2018
9. How do you feel about essential oils?
this girl I haven't spoken to in five years just messaged me on facebook. is she trying to recruit me for a pyramid scheme or is she trying to recruit me for a pyramid scheme
— sarah thee tonin ???? (@sarahndipity18) September 14, 2020
10. Hoping spooky season ends soon.
asking the govt if i can get my handmaid uniform early so i can wear it for halloween
— Dana Donnelly (@danadonly) September 19, 2020
11. TBH Cookie Monster wasn’t the cleverest either.
JIM HENSON: [after a long night of naming characters] fuck I dunno … big bird, I guess?
— Jillian Karger (@JillianKarger) April 29, 2019
12. 47 and counting. What’s your score?
Sorry can’t close any of the tabs on my phone, I don’t want to read this Wikipedia article on the history of Dance Dance Revolution now but I might want to later
— Emily Murnane (@emily_murnane) September 20, 2020
13. We’ve seen this act before.
me to the ants that keep coming out of my showerhead pic.twitter.com/Wz43Drspw3
— dylan gelula (@DylanGelula) September 20, 2020
14. It’s fine. Everything is fine.
making jokes about 2020 like pic.twitter.com/TwkaZpgjy5
— Preeti Chhibber says Let’s Win in GA! (@runwithskizzers) September 20, 2020
15. It sounds like you might need to have that PSL condition checked out.
cottagecore isn't just an aesthetic if you cut me i will bleed pumpkin spice
— emma lord (@dilemmalord) September 16, 2020
16. No glove, no love, my dude.
WOMEN: When I had my IUD inserted, I blacked out from the pain but it wasn't a big deal
MEN: Condoms are uncomfy 🙁 If I have to wear one, this is going to be the worst day of my life 🙁
— Roxi Horror ???????? (@roxiqt) September 17, 2020
18. :scrolls through Instagram once more time:
I can either work 72 hours a week or zero no in between
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) September 20, 2020
19. A girl can dream.
last year: i want to travel the world
now: i would like to sit on a different couch
— Alyssa Limperis (@alyssalimp) September 17, 2020
19. 2020 be like that all the time.
Easy fall dinner ideas:
• A handful of chocolate chips
• Wheat Thins and a good cry
— Duchess Goldblatt (@duchessgoldblat) September 14, 2020
20. Who wants a sponge cake?
is it cottagecore or is it amelia bedelia cosplay?
— safy (@SafyHallanFarah) September 11, 2020
when goats die they become ghoasts
— ❤️ Kate (@Kateness8) September 21, 2020
22. Wait. Did the girls do this to us?
everyone trapped inside meanwhile boobs are experiencing more freedom than ever
— ✨V✨ (@coolauntV) April 4, 2020
23. At this point we’ll try anything.
Surely the new notebook and pens I just purchased will solve all of my problems.
— Rachel Vorona Cote (@RVoronaCote) September 21, 2020
24. What if we use them all at once?
Onion can you relax bc I can’t and this is rude https://t.co/zorqLg8qqG
— Preeti Chhibber says Let’s Win in GA! (@runwithskizzers) September 21, 2020
girls be like “happy birthday to the craziest person i know” and it’s just sarah
— Rachel (@femaleredhead) September 16, 2020
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